29 VICE SQUAD [072309]

This one has a police vibe. Not like Sting-police. Like harass-tenured-Harvard-professors-police.

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It's me again. Jesse is back to being funny and engaging and a better writer than me somewhere else on the wild wild web. I am back to forcing out a few lines of prose every week, if for nothing else than for the pure fuck of it.

I'm kind of tired these days. More like really tired, all the time. Very tired.

That's why I wanted to take a minute to talk about Venom Brand Energy Drink.

Venom Brand Energy Drink was the only free item being offered at the Bastille Day celebration in Harvard Square two Sundays ago, aside from the musical accompaniment, which was jazz, and was without cost, but was not free jazz. Naturally, Cassandra and I passed the Venom Brand Energy Drink cart multiple times in order to avail ourselves of as much energy as possible, which now sits in my fridge in the form of potential energy (K).

Now, when I was with The Indefinite Article, we somehow managed to score a "sponsorship" with Rockstar Energy Drink. I forget exactly how it worked, but the extent of the sponsorship deal was that the regional Rockstar representative dropped off a bunch of Rockstar bullshit at my drummer's house, including case upon case of Rockstar Energy Drink, which my drummer would always conveniently forget to share with everyone, which is probably for the better, since it is poison. We also got t-shirts, headbands, winter hats, and a bunch of other promotional items (known in the industry as "garbage"), which we would throw to people in the crowd while feeling terrible about ourselves. Once we were almost banned from Harper's Ferry because Ricky was giving away Rockstar gear and Harper's was a Red Bull venue and somehow this mattered to someone. Indie music! Screw corporations!

My point is: there is an energy drink turf-war going on about which you know nothing. And Venom Brand Energy Drink will gain no traction in this turf war, because it is quite possibly the most vile substance on God's Taurine-injected Earth.

All discussion of Venom Brand Energy Drink can begin and end with its slogan: Piercing Energy That Strikes Back. Let's just parse this for a second:

1. What the fuck is Piercing Energy.

2. Who is being Back-Stricken?

They say this shit like it's a fact that you (or anyone) wanted something like this. "When you want to stay razor sharp, with the energy to strike first and leave your mark" they say, going on about the Back-Strikingness of their Black Mamba-flavored, half-carbonated can of motor-oil-colored liquid. Then some other things about Taurine and L-carnitine, all dotted with semi-literate punctuation.

I mean, I get it. It's a snake-themed drink. Snakes pierce when they bite. Their attacks, at least toward humans, do seem somewhat reactionary in nature. This doesn't mean that Piercing Energy That Strikes Back is a good slogan. All it means is that it is somewhat applicable to snakes.

Venom Brand Energy Drink is bottled and distribtued by Dr. Pepper/7-Up, who employ at least one person that found their absurd slogan worthy of a trademark. Imagine an entire boardroom of soda industry big-shots signing off on this bullshit. It would stand to reason that every one of them either (a) thought the slogan made perfect sense, or (b) didn't care and were there for the donuts, and by the way they were promised donuts at this meeting didn't Jeanne send out an email about donuts. I would not trust a group of people that arrived collectively at this decision to pour me a glass of water.

Also it tastes like crap and - perhaps this is its biggest coup of all - delivers no discernible boost in energy. On the plus side, it immediately gave me a sore throat.

Song details: Mixed by Phil Gorey. Mastered by Nick Zampiello at New Alliance East, Cambridge MA.